Adoption~The Waiting

I checked my email for the umpteenth time today and saw her name and my heart fell.   You see, if we were chosen we would get a phone call.  Not to be chosen means an email.  A kind one, but one that says we were passed over.   

A week of wondering and holding your breath--almost literally--can take a toll.  You know not to get your hopes up.  You have like 10 kids already and you aren't young and they can tell.  You know not to hope too much.  And yet, you do.  Is it possible for a mother to not get her hopes up? Even one with like 10 kids?  I don't know. 

 For a few minutes you think you may have a fighting chance at being chosen--after all, your profile is pretty good for someone who already has like 10 kids.  But then the doubts take over.  The uncertainty. "Why the heck WOULD they chose us?" And "Lord, why are we doing this?  Is this just me?  Do You have this in mind too?"    

You try not to think about it. You home school for the day.  You post non-sense on facebook.  You make spaghetti sauce from scratch.  The blender explodes and you clean it up.  It explodes 3 more times and you keep cleaning it up, hoping to think about what's in front of you instead of what's on your heart.   You post a status to let a little of it out.  And then you delete thinking no one needs to hear it.   And then you try again and delete.  "Turn to Jesus", you finally tell yourself.

And as a waiting parent--for anyone, really--THAT is the best advice available: "Turn to Jesus".  

         Give all your cares and worries to God, because He cares for you. 
                                           1 Peter 5:7  
        I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. 
        Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! 
                                           Psalm 116:1&2 NLT 

So, you pour out your heart to Him.  Because that's all you can do.  That's the problem with waiting--there's nothing to "do".  And that's the blessing of waiting--giving up the "doing".

And as I've waited, I've more earnestly taken in Scripture.  Isn't that always the case when we, His children, are waiting?  Waiting to hear a health report, waiting for a job, waiting in loneliness for...?  I'm not sure any of us would choose that period of waiting. We wait because we are clueless on our own for the answers.  We have no choice.  We are not in control.  And we never know this fact better than when we are in a period of waiting.  We are totally dependent on God--acknowledging His sovereignty.  His Word takes on new life, new meaning.  It is the only thing that soothes us when we are in this state of particular awareness.  

Today, as we reached the one week mark since we learned of this particular birth mom, I was very aware of our school verse for the day:  "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good, to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28   What can I do but cling to it?  ALL things.  For GOOD.  To those who are called ACCORDING to HIS PURPOSE.    This waiting.  This not knowing.  This clinging to Him.  It is all for His purpose.  And He will make it beautiful in His time.

John Piper posted a bit of Jeremiah 32 today so I looked it up.  Here is what I found:
"O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!"........

“I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me? ..........

" I will certainly bring my people back again from all the countries where I will scatter them in my fury. I will bring them back to this very city and let them live in peace and safety.  They will be my people, and I will be their God.  And I will give them one heart and one purpose: to worship me forever, for their own good and for the good of all their descendants.  And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me.  I will find joy doing good for them and will faithfully and wholeheartedly replant them in this land."~NLT

God's people the Israelites were waiting.  They were waiting for the day when God would restore them to their homeland.  And God did.  At the proper time. The day was set.  And when He did it, it was because of His goodness.  It was because He had a purpose.  And He found joy in doing it.  He still works things together for good for those who love Him.  

As I consider this adoption--the one that feels a tad hopeless because of our big family, our ages, our unconventionality--I know that if it happens, it will happen because God has done it.   It will have nothing to do with our nice profile booklet, or the words we poured our hearts into.  It will have nothing to do with my worry & anxiety.   It will be because God has directed it.  Because He says that it will be for good for us, for the baby and for the precious birth mom. It will be for His purpose.  He is able to draw us all together at just the proper time as His doing alone.  He is able. And I can rest in this.  I can rest in this waiting.

As I scanned that email with a heavy heart this afternoon, I found that it was not quite the final closure on this scenario.  The birth mom has not yet made a decision.  We will continue to pray for her, for her baby, and for how God might use us in all of this.  And we will wait. 

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

PS- We don't really have 10 kids.  It just looks like it in the profile book.  We actually just have 5.