Sometimes God allows situations where you become keenly aware that you are not the least bit in control. The adoption process is one of those.
We are at the point in our adoption journey where I am at a loss for what I should do. We had such a flurry of potential birth moms for a while, with all of them choosing other families. This isn't too surprising for us since we have 5 children. We aren't prime real estate. But still, we thought by now, somebody would have looked beyond the cover of our profile book and let God open their hearts to us.
With encouragement by our program director, we re-did our profile book. We made it bigger, less about our family, and more about us as a couple and our desire for another child. We even made the cover red because red is the color of choice we are told. And since then we have heard exactly nothing.
Of course, all along the way I have had my questions if we are in the right program, if we should pursue an independent adoption, should we go international or maybe do a state adoption? I've poured over waiting child lists. I've considered fasting. We've held family prayer meetings. I've prayed through sleepless nights. I've read blogs. I've prayed for the right attitude. I've packed suitcases to meet birth moms who didn't pan out. I've wept. I've prayed some more.
This morning as I was pouring over Psalms, trying to gain some encouragement, God led me to Psalm 127. I am familiar with this Psalm. It is read at child dedications, weddings--even church business meetings, etc. But today He opened it up anew to me.
Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain.
Well, I can feel the truth of that in the very center of my being--the "labor in vain" part. I feel absolutely helpless. Suffocatingly helpless.
It is vain to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors....
Hmmm.... new profile book? Agonizing throughout the day if we are in the right program? Agonizing throughout the night at times? Agonizing that we might be altogether crazy to do this at all?
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
Even in his SLEEP??? Even if they don't have the ideal profile?? Even if they are sure that they will fall short when compared to other families??? "EVEN in his sleep." I must let this wash over me and cool my fevered thoughts.
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord....
Children are a GIFT! We don't haggle about gifts. We don't tell the giver "Hey! You are late with my gift!" We don't set deadlines for gifts. We don't worry about gifts. They are a bonus! They are a surprise. They come easily. We don't worry ourselves over them. They are provided FOR us. The giver is working to get it, to provide it, to present it beautifully--all when the giver is ready--all for the purpose of blessing.
I am reminded that my Father is the Giver. He gave us this desire. We know that this is a Biblical desire. We've taken the steps to say we are open to His gift. It's up to Him. Now...if I could just rest in this....you might even say: "sleep".
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
