A Movie Recommendation (Best Taken with a Grain of Salt)

Yesterday, when all our friends were seeing Frozen and Saving Mr Banks, we stumbled upon The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  Ryan and I have the worst luck at choosing movies to watch in the theater. We know it and we sort of accept it.  It seems like whenever there is a blockbuster out that everyone raves about, we either stay home and wait for that to go away, or we choose the one playing at the same time opposite it.

It has become a joke to us that if we are actually paying to see it, it's bound to be bad.  It all started back when we were engaged and we actually went to see Naked Gun 33 and 1/3. (I know. Awful! I almost broke off the engagement.) With the exception of a rare few--mostly the  Lord of the Rings movies--we have been on a bad streak ever since.

We don't go out to movies very often at all, so when we do, I can get my hopes up that it will be worthwhile.  It's funny, we don't play the lottery but I guess when it comes to movies we tend to gamble.  I honestly don't know why. When you take the number of movies we've coughed up the money to see and then divide by the number of disappointments, we have a quotient of like 1.2. I'm slowly learning that reviews are my friend.

At the top of that list of let downs would have to be Water World.  We actually paid to see Water World, people! As poor newlyweds who didn't get out much due to living in a small, Texas town, duties to Uncle Sam, and empty pockets, our one and only movie experience that year was Kevin Costner's colossal flop.  But it lives in infamy in our "date" annals.

Also, we have seen such masterpieces as 50 First Dates, Crocodile Hunter--The Movie, Star Wars Episode 3 (midnight showing, mind you), The Aviator, Matrix Reloaded (would love a refund on all of those) and once ,when on a date by ourselves, when we could have chosen anything, we went with Hotel Transylvania. The first movie we took our kids to was VeggieTales' Jonah.  (It had potential but...no.)  So awful was our record, that when Napoleon Dynamite came along, we liked it so much we actually paid to see it THREE times.  (Does this tell you anything?)

So, yesterday, when we plunked down our money and said "Walter Mitty"  instead of "Mr. Banks", I wasn't hoping for much--maybe just a little entertainment and a couple of mutual laughs with my husband.

But it was fun ALL the way through.  I found myself smiling at the screen, just happy to be there. I felt all the years of being a Date-Movie-Loser slip away as I took in the story and the humor and the beautiful cinematography.  It was a great blend of story, humor, action and adventure.  Ben Stiller was terrific in it (no surprise to my husband). And now there is really no reason for me to get him confused with Adam Sandler ever again. (My husband is shaking his head.)

As the movie came to an end, we were both grinning through tears.  Tears not completely due to the story.  We were struck with disbelief and gratitude.  Ryan leaned over to me and whispered, "I think we just broke our streak."

10 Christmas Traditions that I Don't Do and Refuse to Feel Guilty Over

Well, it's the time of year when all the social media posts and Christmas letters can make us moms feel less than adequate and maybe behind the game.  So, I've compiled a list of things I honestly don't do (and why) to sort of help off-set any Non-Perfect-Christmas Guilt you may be suffering from.... I'm NOT alone, am I??

1) Visiting Santa

There's enough available conflict without trying to explain to my husband why I dropped $40 dollars on a photo with a scary old man holding our children.

2) Christmas Cards. 

  Okay, I used to do this one, and spent many a stressed out Christmas season over it. It did make some sense back in our Military days. Now I just lay it all out on Facebook a status at a time so you already know everything. EVERYTHING.                                                      

3) Christmas Photos.

I used to do this one too and would completely stress out over everything from the outfits,the background, who would take our picture, to getting into and out of Costco to pick them up.  And then there were the years when not all the kids would cooperate and we had to photo shop non-crying heads on. We have a particularly horrifying one of "baby Summer" who looks like a doll with her head screwed on backwards.  I still cringe.  And there's "angry Reagan" who was experiencing resentment at brand new baby Jason.   But once again, the power of social media has saved us from this torture.   There is the downside of less record of family cuteness.  And as you all grow older that proof becomes more valuable.

4) The Christmas Pickle.

 I could actually go either way on The Pickle.

5) Baking for Neighbors.

This one KILLS me!!  I would LOVE to bake for the neighbors....if Christmas were on the 31st.

6) Eggnog.

I'm Baptist.  (I claim that to get out of lots of things that make me gag.)

7) Ugly Sweater Parties.

I guess the reason is because I've never really been invited to one--probably because of #6.

8) Elf on the Shelf.

I will answer this one with a question:  Why WOULD I???  I just don't get it!  Actually, I do--that's why I don't!  If my kids won't behave without me driving myself insane, then lock me up now!

9) Christmas Cookies and Gingerbread Houses

They just don't taste good enough to invest that kind of time and effort, in my opinion.  BUT, just so you know that I DO love my children and it's not ALL about me, I do BUY sugar cookie dough and ready-to-assemble gingerbread houses....for the children's sake.  (But never both in the same year.)

10) Christmas Crafts/ Homemade Gifts

I'm not crafty the other 11 months of the year, why would I start now!?

Bonus~ Clean House

I admit it.  I don't clean my house for Christmas.  I have tried.  I have TRIED.  But I just can't succeed in anything but frustration and guilt.  My room is a pile of Christmas wrap and ribbons and countless scraps on the floor.  The bathrooms and main room floors were cleaned the week before, and we try to de-clutter the main rooms as much as possible right before the extended family rings the bell, but beyond that, I just can't get it done.  And I am finally OK with that.  It only took about 16 years to realize I can't. And. Christmas. Still. Happens.

Okay.  There you have it!  If these are your traditions, I really do commend you.  It's not easy to give gifts to every person you know and love, send personal greetings and photo updates to everyone in your life, make your house exceptionally beautiful and cheery, bake every yummy cookie you'd like, prepare the feast of the year, host parties, and still remember the Reason we do it all.  May my confessions make your season brighter and a little less free of guilt. And may your children appreciate the traditions that you DO do!    Merry Christmas!!

Days Like This

Days like this I'm reminded about my need for a Savior.

Days where the kitchen is messy and the dishwasher never got unloaded and dinner still needs to be made.

Days where the little one didn't get a nap and we braved the stores with the pre-Thanksgiving throngs.
 
It's days like this where the pressure to finish up school work and take those already over-due tests breeds exhaustion and short tempers.

Days where just one more request sends me over the edge and sin rears its ugly head.

It's days like this with a phone call that life is short and fragile and unfair.

Days where the future is uncertain and the present is exhausting.

It's days like this that highlight my nature.

That I need a Savior.

That I have a Savior.

He's paid for today and He is there for tomorrow.

The bad news of today, the failures of today, the exhaustion of today is actually redeemed by Him, to point me to Him.

Hallelujah! What a Savior!



 


 

What I Learned In Children's Church Last Sunday and How It Encouraged Me In Our Adoption Journey

I was teaching.  And I'm thankful that when I am out of the regular church service, busy with the kids, God still meets me where I am--literally--and teaches me lessons that I need.

OUR lesson was on the story of Abraham sending his trusted servant to choose a bride for his son Isaac.  He sends his trusted servant back to his old homeland to find a wife.  His servant prays to God for very specific direction through a sign so that he might know who to approach, and miraculously, God answers very specifically through that sign.  (It's all found in Genesis 24 if you want to read it.)    And then, the servant presents gifts, and then thanks the Lord publicly, and then ends up going back to her house to meet the family, spill the beans about why he's there handing out gold jewelry pieces, and ask for their daughter's hand in marriage for his master's son.

 And there's more!  They discover that they are family of Abraham and this is pretty influential in the whole process too.  And the servant tells about God's blessing on Abraham (which couldn't have hurt either) and how his specific prayer was answered.  The dad and brother discuss the providence of God in this and agree to send their daughter back with the servant.  It seems like it's all worked out and then BAM!  The mother and brother say to "hold on", that the girl--Rebekah should stay 10 days before they let her go.  But the servant is anxious to get back to his master, and after some discussion they agree to let Rebekah decide when to go and she agrees to go now.  And THEN, there's this long, hot, dusty camel ride journey to get back to Abraham's new home in Canaan.  When they finally get there, Isaac is out moseying through a field and sees them coming from far off and they see each other and meet.  And marry.  And it says that "He loved her."

Now here's where I was encouraged: Isaac was at home waiting.  He knew he wanted a wife--even needed one.  He was not allowed to go on the expedition.  He didn't get much say in the whole matter that we can see.  He could only wait at home, and carry on each day with the work and responsibilities before him.  He wasn't aware of the spiritual drama unfolding in Nahor.  Nor was he aware of the minute practical persuasions happening.  He didn't get email updates stating : "We'll be presenting your profile to a young lady at the town well today.  She has olive skin, beautiful brown eyes, moves with grace and dignity and is a willing worker.  Are you OK with that?"  He wasn't aware how it was almost worked out and then doubts were raised to delay it.  Nor was he aware that the heart of his future beloved was made sure and confident by God.  He could only wait and pray and carry on.

His moment of joy came when he was presented with his bride at the end of all the details working together for good.  So many details.  But God's hand was active, moving and weaving them all.   It was all out of Isaac's hands, but firmly in God's.   I can relate a little bit.  And THAT's what blessed me in children's church.

"When it appears from earth that God is delaying, He is really putting pieces together that you had not thought of. He is engineering circumstances so that His power and glory will be on display. When God builds a waiting period into the course of our affairs, it means that what He is doing requires it! His apparent delays are loving, purposeful, and deliberate!". ~ Jennifer Kennedy Dean  (with thanks to my friend Tiffany Herring) 

Pioneer Woman Recipe Reviews: Pizza & Chocolate Sheet Cake

It's a Saturday morning and I actually find myself alone in the house.  For a home schooling mother of 5, this is such a rarity.  My big kids are gone having spent the night with friends, my husband is at a Saturday morning men's Bible study and offered to take our 4 year old along to give me the morning to myself.  The condition was for me to relax, so I've decided that I need to finally blog about my latest Pioneer Woman cooking.  I have to be honest, my heart isn't in it, but I feel like I need to "knock it out"  so that I can move on to a 53rd viewing of Pride and Prejudice or maybe Cranford---I haven't quite decided.  So, here goes....

About a week ago, I went to one of the book's most intriguing recipes to me: Potato and Leek Pizza.
Yes, you read that right.  Potato and Leek Pizza!  I had my doubts too, but it turns out that Pioneer Woman knows a thing or two about "yum".  I used her pizza crust recipe to start things off.  I've decided that  recipe is fairly user friendly.  It rolls out much, much more easily than the pre-made dough I usually buy at Winco.  Her recipe uses a few simple ingredients--I'm all about that!  It has:

1 tsp dry yeast
4 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil

So, once you have your foundation ready you get to work on the fun stuff.  The Potato and Leek Pizza calls for 3 leeks, bacon, olive oil, salt, freshly ground black pepper, fresh mozzarella, parmesan and goat's cheese.  (I used feta in place of the goat's cheese 'cause I'm no connoisseur and it's all the same to me.)  And the final ingredient: thinly sliced red or Yukon gold potatoes (I used russet because that is all I had and I wasn't about to wait for another trip to the grocery store.)

I'd say the toughest part is washing the leeks and getting all the grit out.  Once that is done, it's smooth sailing.  You fry the bacon, then you fry the sliced leeks in the bacon grease---this I think was key to the whole taste bud experience.

I also made another version that Pioneer Woman offered in her book of Tomato Basil Pizza.  With pre-made pesto, this was incredibly easy and very good as well.

I put both pizzas on my pizza screens to bake.  This, it turns out, was a big mistake.  With all the fresh tomatoes and juicy leeks and potatoes involved, there was a lot of liquid.  A lot.  This liquid caused everything to bubble and spit and leak and drip onto the bottom of our ovens causing massive, massive smoke.  This, in turn, caused massive, massive chaos as we sprinted to open doors and windows and don our oxygen masks.  But it was a great bonding time as the kids were drawn in to "help" with their use of instagram and comments like: "Mom's cooking again."  "I can't breathe!!" and "The neighbors are watching!!" and "Are you sure you know what you're doing??"

But the whole thing eventually worked out making the real title: Smoked Potato and Leek Pizza.  It was absolutely delicious!  I have never used fresh mozzarella in my own cooking before.  *Gasp*  But I've told you before, I'm not a gourmet, nor a connoisseur of anything except cheap and easy.  But so wonderful was my experience with this delightful product that I found myself placing another double pack in my cart last time I was at Costco.  Do it!  Use the fresh stuff!  What a difference!

The whole family loved both pizzas.  It was probably evenly split as to whether it was the Potato & Leek or the Tomato-Basil that was favored, but everyone agreed that they were both heavenly.  I give both recipes 5 stars.

To add to the deliciousness of our lives that week, I also tried the Chocolate Sheet Cake recipe.  OH. MY. GOODNESS.  It was a buttery, chocolaty, rich-but-not-rich, decadent piece of art.   I no longer care about pumpkin pies, peppermint bark, ginger cookies, etc.  I would be satisfied to make just this one dessert for the holidays and go to a quiet corner and celebrate.

Try these recipes at the risk of setting you back a week on your diet, but also know that there is always next week. To everything there is a season, and this is your season for pizza and chocolate cake.

Adoption~The Waiting

I checked my email for the umpteenth time today and saw her name and my heart fell.   You see, if we were chosen we would get a phone call.  Not to be chosen means an email.  A kind one, but one that says we were passed over.   

A week of wondering and holding your breath--almost literally--can take a toll.  You know not to get your hopes up.  You have like 10 kids already and you aren't young and they can tell.  You know not to hope too much.  And yet, you do.  Is it possible for a mother to not get her hopes up? Even one with like 10 kids?  I don't know. 

 For a few minutes you think you may have a fighting chance at being chosen--after all, your profile is pretty good for someone who already has like 10 kids.  But then the doubts take over.  The uncertainty. "Why the heck WOULD they chose us?" And "Lord, why are we doing this?  Is this just me?  Do You have this in mind too?"    

You try not to think about it. You home school for the day.  You post non-sense on facebook.  You make spaghetti sauce from scratch.  The blender explodes and you clean it up.  It explodes 3 more times and you keep cleaning it up, hoping to think about what's in front of you instead of what's on your heart.   You post a status to let a little of it out.  And then you delete thinking no one needs to hear it.   And then you try again and delete.  "Turn to Jesus", you finally tell yourself.

And as a waiting parent--for anyone, really--THAT is the best advice available: "Turn to Jesus".  

         Give all your cares and worries to God, because He cares for you. 
                                           1 Peter 5:7  
        I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. 
        Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! 
                                           Psalm 116:1&2 NLT 

So, you pour out your heart to Him.  Because that's all you can do.  That's the problem with waiting--there's nothing to "do".  And that's the blessing of waiting--giving up the "doing".

And as I've waited, I've more earnestly taken in Scripture.  Isn't that always the case when we, His children, are waiting?  Waiting to hear a health report, waiting for a job, waiting in loneliness for...?  I'm not sure any of us would choose that period of waiting. We wait because we are clueless on our own for the answers.  We have no choice.  We are not in control.  And we never know this fact better than when we are in a period of waiting.  We are totally dependent on God--acknowledging His sovereignty.  His Word takes on new life, new meaning.  It is the only thing that soothes us when we are in this state of particular awareness.  

Today, as we reached the one week mark since we learned of this particular birth mom, I was very aware of our school verse for the day:  "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good, to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28   What can I do but cling to it?  ALL things.  For GOOD.  To those who are called ACCORDING to HIS PURPOSE.    This waiting.  This not knowing.  This clinging to Him.  It is all for His purpose.  And He will make it beautiful in His time.

John Piper posted a bit of Jeremiah 32 today so I looked it up.  Here is what I found:
"O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!"........

“I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me? ..........

" I will certainly bring my people back again from all the countries where I will scatter them in my fury. I will bring them back to this very city and let them live in peace and safety.  They will be my people, and I will be their God.  And I will give them one heart and one purpose: to worship me forever, for their own good and for the good of all their descendants.  And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me.  I will find joy doing good for them and will faithfully and wholeheartedly replant them in this land."~NLT

God's people the Israelites were waiting.  They were waiting for the day when God would restore them to their homeland.  And God did.  At the proper time. The day was set.  And when He did it, it was because of His goodness.  It was because He had a purpose.  And He found joy in doing it.  He still works things together for good for those who love Him.  

As I consider this adoption--the one that feels a tad hopeless because of our big family, our ages, our unconventionality--I know that if it happens, it will happen because God has done it.   It will have nothing to do with our nice profile booklet, or the words we poured our hearts into.  It will have nothing to do with my worry & anxiety.   It will be because God has directed it.  Because He says that it will be for good for us, for the baby and for the precious birth mom. It will be for His purpose.  He is able to draw us all together at just the proper time as His doing alone.  He is able. And I can rest in this.  I can rest in this waiting.

As I scanned that email with a heavy heart this afternoon, I found that it was not quite the final closure on this scenario.  The birth mom has not yet made a decision.  We will continue to pray for her, for her baby, and for how God might use us in all of this.  And we will wait. 

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

PS- We don't really have 10 kids.  It just looks like it in the profile book.  We actually just have 5.

Pancakes and Pot Roast

What could be more classically American than Pancakes and Pot Roast?

My husband is the chief pancake chef around here and he is excellent!   When we were first married we tried the mixes and felt let down.  They just didn't taste like mom-used-to-make.  My husband set out to find a good recipe and was very successful.  We haven't looked back since. Until......I saw the recipe for Edna Mae's Sour Cream Pancakes in the PW cookbook.  I needed to get to it anyway, but anything with sour cream cooked into it intrigues me deeply and the pile of imperfect perfection in the photo made my mouth water.

Last Saturday was the day.  I went ahead and doubled the batch because it claimed to make about twelve 4 inch pancakes.  Since we have 7 people I thought we'd at least like 2 a piece.  The doubled recipe barely squeaked out 2 a piece.  I even measured the batter as I poured.  Next time I would triple the batch.

But other than the amount produced, there was nothing disappointing about these imperfect looking beauties.  They were absolutely delicious!  Everyone (including the chief pancake maker) couldn't contain their pleasure as they partook.  

The one little caution would be that they don't show their level of "doneness" like traditional pancakes with the air bubbles showing before you flip.  Instead, you have to really pay attention to the amount of time per side.  It is well worth the trouble.  

Right after the breakfast dishes were cleaned up, I went to work on the pot roast for dinner.   If you are like me, you have fond memories of the pot roasts of your youth but they seem to elude you as an adult.   I have pulled off a handful of decent roasts, but it seems like they are so easy to dry out.  It's pretty disappointing to endure the tantalizing smell of it cooking all day only to bite into slightly beef flavored saw dust in the end.    It is not so at all with this recipe.  There was no disappointment whatsoever.  It was bliss served up on a plate.

I think a couple of the keys to the success of this recipe are that 1) you brown the onion and carrots before adding them to the pot.  This gives them an incredible flavor.  And 2) you add 2 -3 cups of beef stock to the pot at the beginning and it yields moist, tender results.

We all agreed that this was the best roast we'd maybe ever had.  ( I say "maybe" because we are all susceptible to hyperbole in the face of sheer yumminess.)  If you've given up on making a really good roast, I say "not yet"!  You've got to give this one a try!   I know the Sunday dinners of my future are looking promising.

Thoughts on Adoption

We are in the process of a second adoption.  We are in that gray, undefined period of time known as Waiting.  We've completed all our paperwork, had our interviews,fingerprints, medical exams, written our personal history, philosophy, and disclosed our personal finances.  We've even made our profile book--thanks to my oldest daughter.   We are now just waiting.

I think a lot of waiting moms use this time to prepare for their child, maybe design a nursery, collect baby items, etc.   As I wait, I think, rethink, analyze, doubt, question, pray and start the cycle again. (My husband is pretty laid back.  He just goes on with life. I have no idea how he does it!) You must bear in mind that my mental process is not of a childless woman--I'm assuming their struggles are similar in many areas, but also different and much tougher in other ways.  I can only write from where I am in my life as a mom to five.

When we were waiting for my youngest, we had struggles then too.  We were concerned that we were getting too old to be a fun, normal family. (We're even older now!) We were concerned with and questioned ourselves on becoming a trans-racial family. (Now we are one!)  We were concerned with possibly throwing a wrench into our happy family of biological-ness. (Nope!  Our joy and fun has been magnified.) We were concerned that we would be able to get a loan to finance the adoption.  (God supplied at the very hour of need. ) Then we were concerned with how we would ever pay back the loan. (God graciously provided.)   As I look back at those concerns and compare them to the ones I have now, I see some similarities and then I see some as not an issue this time.  I also see that God was completely faithful--that what He called us to, He saw us through.

And yet I mull.  If you are one who seeks after God's will for your life, and if you are pregnant, you typically don't question whether or not it's God's will for you to add to your family.  But when you have 5 children and are 40, and you have to choose to go into significant debt to do it,  it's a different ballgame--at least for me. But  as I think and re-analyze, I am reminded that HE laid this on our hearts.  HE gave us the desire.  We can't imagine life without our little one--he adds so much joy and spark and LIFE.  We are BLESSED.

A couple of big encouragers to me are:
 1) My husband.  How many men would choose to go this route when they've got a house full??  My son pointed this out one evening when we were all sitting around talking.  He's so right.  This takes some unusual love and selflessness.  I am so blessed to have him as a godly example to our children that this life is for serving God, being about HIS business, taking care of who God has entrusted to him and being unafraid to take on more responsibility.
 2) My older kids.  They continually bless me with a heart for adoption.  They are willing and excited to share the love.  They also soothe my fears with saying things like:  "Mom, you should see how old some of my friends' parents are.  You'll be fine."  And:  "We'll all just crowd in in this house.  It'll be fine!  We won't need to move again!!"   However, they could do better with their vehicle perspective: "We need a bigger car!! When can we get a bigger car?? We're so uncomfortable back here! Ouch! get your elbow out of my ribs!"  Ah, well...can't have it all I guess.
 3)  And then there's our little one. Our sought after, prayed for one.  The one added in faith and fear.  Oh, where to start?  Where to end once I start?   He is the best encouragement for this second adoption--this child that God miraculously placed in our family.  When I hear him pray or sing a song about Jesus, when I see him joyfully interact with a godly daddy--HIS daddy, when I see his brother or sister put their head to his and talk gently with him, when I lift him up into the grocery cart, when I hear him giggle, when I snuggle with him on his pillow with a book, when I feel his arms around my neck, when he smashes up next to me, I know.  I KNOW that this is what we should be doing.  It may or may not happen a second time.  But we will, in faith, take the steps, and God will direct how He sees fit.

A couple of extra random thoughts:
1) People have said how lucky or blessed our little one is.  On the contrary--WE are blessed.
2) People sometimes assume that you are adopting to do a good deed.  While there are adoptions that do rescue, we adopted because we desired a child. Bottom line. We adopted to fulfill a desire. I wish I were more saintly.  But that is the truth.
3) Foreign adoptions are needed but so are Domestic.
4)Don't let the idea of being debt-free be the main reason keeping you from this ministry/blessing.  I don't know anyone who can pay for this out-right. (Something I continue to re-hash.)
5)We are not Home yet.

Memories of Colorado Springs--Newly Weds

I've decided to write my memories of the different places we've lived.  God's seen fit to move us a lot and now my life is divided neatly into segments.  I remember events and dates based on where we were living at the time, so why not write some of it down? Who knows?  Maybe my kids will find this interesting some day...

We moved into our first apartment all by ourselves.  It was on Burton Way.  We were on the second floor of three.  Ryan had picked it out by himself and signed the lease before we were married, before he brought me along with him on this adventure.  It was one bedroom and one bathroom.  The kitchen was tiny. I think there are RV kitchens that are bigger.  My counter space was the size of the top of a dishwasher.  We had a dishwasher!  If we didn't have one, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have had a counter at all.

We had a table and 4 chairs, a mattress, an antique rocking chair, a couple of old dressers, Ryan's trunk from the Academy and a heavy old oak desk and an "oak" like entertainment center.  We hung our beautiful wedding gift towels--green and ivory and burgundy (what else?  It was the 90's!), spread our fluffy comforter--a gift from my mom, and placed our shiny new dishes in the cupboard. (To this day, I can just about remember who gave me what--that's how special those gifts were to me.)   It was both a sparsely furnished apartment and a beautiful one.  It was ours and graced with the colors of our wedding registry. We had two windows.  Both faced a courtyard made up of the apartment buildings on all sides. (Think Rear Window with less excitement.)  Every afternoon, I'd gaze out those windows as summer thunder clouds gathered and burst.  It was a lonely view.

I had to haul my laundry what seemed like miles to the laundry room.  I hated those laundry days. Somehow they reinforced how solitary I felt.  I put it off as long as possible.  I remember ironing my first uniforms.  He wore dress blues there, waiting for his first assignment.  Stressful stuff for this bride.  Also, driving onto the USAFA base itself, very stressful.  "Please don't look at me! I will leave as soon as I possibly can!"

We were only there for a couple of months,so I didn't get a job.  It was just me and the four walls and that courtyard view.  We had a couple of channels that worked on our "tv". ( Ryan had rigged a computer monitor and a receiver and???)  I watched a lot of Matlock.   I read some books.  I tried to cook.  I waited for my groom to get home.

We had been engaged for 2 and 1/2 years before we were allowed to marry.  (He had to graduate first.  No married cadets were allowed.)  It had been a long wait.  We were overjoyed when time was fulfilled and we could marry.   I was so puzzled at my emotional blues when we had finally achieved our dreams.  I know now that it was a normal reaction of an emotional let down after so much build up.  But at the time it was a dreary struggle.

Adding to the strangeness of newly married life was the big surprise that I was pregnant.  I went to the Academy Hospital for the test.  We waited on pins and needles for a couple of days( I think) for the verdict.  Now, here is the kicker:  Ryan informed ME that we were having a baby!  Somehow...and I still don't know how this worked, he got the news first and called me.  This happy, crazy news served to pull me out of my dreariness.  Suddenly I was very motivated to get those wedding Thank Yous written!  There was no way I wanted this news out of the bag until every dish,vase and towel was properly acknowledged! Once that was done, and the last stamp was licked, we spread the happy tidings.

We had some fun while there.  We tested the waters of hosting our first dinner parties.  Menus included chicken fajitas, and once when we had nothing but leftovers, we made fried rice for our guests.  We got to know a fellow newly-married-academy-couple Larry and Tricia. (Hi ,Tricia!) They lived in the apartments across from ours. (Ryan had already known Larry for quite a while from when they were cadets.) They had a bunch of pets including a giant bird (I forgot what kind) named Warlock.  They still have him.  They would tell their little dog to "go seepies" when it was bedtime.  I remember this because we have used the same phrase with all 5 of our kids through the years because of them.

The apartment complex had its share of wild, creepiness going on.  I would spy through the peephole at the scariness outside.  Ryan made fun of me for being a snoop.  He's used to it now.

Soon it was time to prepare for our move to Texas.  San Angelo.  I'd never been to Texas before.  It was greatly mysterious.  I got to find and rent our next apartment over the phone.  No website.  No photos.  Just me and the phone and the post office and a lot of faith in the voice on the line.  We packed up our stuff.  This time Larry came over and helped Ryan so I didn't have to carry all the big stuff with him. We borrowed their vacuum so we could get our cleaning deposit back.  It was the first and last time we vacuumed that place. We packed our little U-haul trailer and  Ryan's Jeep and my blue Tempo and headed out of town and out of Colorado.  I can't lie.  I was not sad to go.  We left the cloudy Colorado afternoons for the wide open of Texas and I couldn't have been more excited.      

Life is hard. But God is good.

This week has been a horrific one for our nation.  In fact, historically this week and month has held more than its share of ugliness and carnage.  But even in the midst of our sin cursed world and the sorrow in it, God blesses and crowns us with mercy and good things.  Seventeen years ago today, in a little town in the middle of Texas, I watched TV in a hospital room as they covered the one year anniversary of the Oklahoma City tragedy.  I was in labor with my  firstborn while being reminded of the overwhelming sadness and tragedy in this world.     And then there she was, beautiful and perfect and tiny.  A 6 lb 4 oz gift from God with so much potential for good and a living display of His grace. A gift that has given us cheetahs, rodeos and dances in our living room, and has grown into helpfulness, encouragement, sweetness and music in our lives.   Happy Birthday to our daughter who will forever give this week laughter, joyous memories and reason to celebrate.

Confessions of a Grown-Up PK and How Little Has Changed

I grew up as a PK in little struggling churches and, without fail, the Sunday you'd get a big "important" visitor through the doors was when 75% of the rest of the congregation was away for one reason or another.   I would sit there in my excitement/embarrassment and mentally count who was there and who hadn't made it through the doors yet and if there was any possibility that they would still walk through those doors before the end of the service.  Because in my mind, if you had 30 people instead of 20, you could maybe come off as a more happenin' church.

Fast forward 25 years. We are helping with a new church in a rural community.  My husband is currently the youth group leader and the "song leader" (worship leader or whatever they call them now.)  Neither worship leading nor youth work was his major or his passion--if you get what I'm saying.  (It is a small church.)   What has literally taken me years to figure out is this:  If 20 people won't legitimize the work of the gospel in somebody's mind, 10 more isn't going to make a difference.   I still fight the urge to mentally count how many are there when we have a visitor and think "if only so and so were here..."   "If only we had a building of our own..."  "If only we had..." fill in the blank.  I have repeatedly struggled with the concept that it DOES NOT MATTER what others may think if you are doing what God wants and that THE LORD builds his Church-- not the bells and whistles, not even the cool factor (which most new,small, rural churches tend to be low on).

I was having a rather blue After-Christmas-New-Year Re-evaluation of my life when our pastor preached a particularly timely message on how NONE of our labor for the Lord is in vain.   Not even the labor of ordinary people in a tiny church in a tiny, rural community.  I love how God is right there to meet you where you are and answer those things you are wrestling with--no matter how significant or insignificant it may seem.

I came across this quote in the front of the book  Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret:  "Men are God's method; God is looking for better men....What the church needs today is not more machinery or better,     not new organizations or more and novel methods,   but men whom the Holy Ghost can use---men of prayer, men mighty in prayer.   The Holy Ghost does not come on machinery, but on men.  He does not anoint plans, but men--men of prayer."   --E.M. Bounds

Mr. Bounds' words are encouraging to all who struggle with the fruit, the results, the perception, the relevance of  their ministry.   We put too much importance on what others think of what we are doing and as a result,  put far too much emphasis on how to improve that perception, all the while I'm learning what God wants is more dependence on Him and expectancy for what HE will do.

I love this quote that a visiting pastor once challenged our former church with:  "What are you asking God for that when He answers, only HE will get the glory??"  I haven't asked myself this enough.